written by MGFreeman, March 31, 2023
Announced and posted on April 6, 2023
Dedicated to my darling Leslie Lynn Ogle, my Godsend and Soulmate.
Call me an opptimist, call me sadly mistaken— truthfully I am absolute in my heartfelt designed spiritual vision. NOTHING YOU COULD SAY will change my mind. I DO NOT attempt to try and convince you I’m right or change your outlook. I paint a picture with words here simply.
I ONLY share tidbits from my journey and in my opinion (IMO) vast learning experiences. I know I have expressed some parts of my vision already. Here is another chapter and perhaps a focusing and refinement of my mind’s eye view.
I have had experience with death many many times in my life both times when my living was in peril and witnessing other’s lives end or discovering their remains… IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. UNAVOIDABLE…FACT: IT WILL HAPPEN. More certain than taxes!
IT WHAT? To many it is DEATH! Death?? YES..DEATH—meaning??? “a lifeform’s ceasing to exist as defined by accepted affirmation by both medical and legal standards” That an ominous “He’s Dead, Jim” moment.
WHEN I SAY “IT” I MEAN SOMETHING AWEING AND AMAZING— BEYOND actually my ability to perceive SHARPLY in vision (because I am a creation with a limited human brain) but I believe I feel the presence of an absolute Godly concept.
DEAD? CAPUTE…GAME OVER MAN! I DON’T BUY IT…FINITE??? To me without reason or creativity. SORRY but I feel your God is too small!
SO….again IN MY OPINION…what we CAN perceive as loss, an ‘end” I BELIEVE to be ACTUALLY our witnessing their transition from HERE to THERE. A birth actually. Does anyone mourn a birth??
The closing of a door and the subsequent appearance or unveiling or maybe that wild vortex ride through dimensions as one sees depicted in movies….to WHAT’S NEXT.
(In all honesty, I love roller coaster rides BUT all that water slide looking dimensional tunnel stuff is almost certain to leave me puking my guts out upon “landing”. Not my preferred introduction I think. Silly human. You ain’t got no more legs Lt. Dan!
What will that be like— knowing this chapter is closing, prayerfully in my sleep and what a surprise waking up will be, right?
But if I am conscious…the light of this existence here dimming…AND??
.
_____
Admittedly at one time I believed that it was THE END— I would no longer exist and it scared the living hell out of me..but I was young. My knowledge and exploration into science, spirituality and the theoretical was growing and mind expanding and again, by Oliver Wendel Holmes…”A mind stretched by a new idea never returns to its previous shape”. It has been surely been an interesting journey.
In my recollection and sincere gratitude, my blessings far outweigh my deserving— Thank you my creator.
_____
In a Randy Alcorn book a character passes on and in heaven is talking with an angel and inquires “I thought the Bible said (roughly) ‘for now we see through a glass dimly but then we shall see clearly’…” but I still have so many questions.
In reply he was told “You are a CREATION, you are made in His image though you never achieve omniscience. You are only growing still and shall for all eternity. If God were to instantly provide you the entirety of His knowledge— you would explode. You are NOT capable and in truth never will achieve all His cumulative knowledge— YOU ARE A CREATION.”
That makes total sense to me and leads me to the thought that God joyfully anticipates the sheer awe and eternal discovery we shall continue to experience — BUT at an amplified level. I’m pretty sure His amplifier goes up to 11 to the “nth” power.
Applying my human experience and filter, I “see” that as a father who thrills at his child’s shock, awe and wonder. I know applying “human” attributes to God’s being cannot compare but it’s all I got folks.
If you’ve read any of my past blogs you know that I encounter “God winks” and spiritual happenings with some frequency.
Last night for the second time, my unconditionally loving mother Wilma Catherine Baker Freeman and my mother by adoption and marriage, the lovely and talented Ms. Harvey Wanette Eisenhower Ogle Bolen visited me.
The first time was in a dream where Leslie and I had gone to the beach. Leslie had gone for an exercise stroll down the beach and low and behold I saw two women that looked like my mothers walking by…then they turned and came to me asking “Hello my son…Where’s Leslie?” I replied that she had gone for a walk and that if they kept walking the same direction they were sure to run into her.
They said darn near in unison, “well good seeing you, we love you. We’ll be talking more soon.” and off they went.
Strange, very casual, as if this was a weekly occurrence running into each other here, though they both have moved on some time ago. Actually, it was so loving and warm and unsurprising to them—somehow “expected— that it left me feeling happy.
_____
Last night the two visited me again. From my bedside and oh so gently so as not to awaken Leslie or Jack, they jostled me and motioned for me to follow them, “we need to talk they whispered”. So like sneaky slumber party kids we snuck downstairs. We were about to sit in the living room, when my mother said— “Oh Wannie— you know what i’d dearly love is a cigarette— let’s start outside and share one” and so we turned to our restarea to chat.
My mother commented “I know it is foolish and absurd but of course smokes don’t exist in “The Next” and since we’ve taken this form to talk with you…I just had to.”
Of course, I had to ask “taken this form?” and was told that this makes it familiar to my human brain and actually was a “must” in seeing me since my inquiring little brain would have question after question about what we are now. And frankly you really can’t understand it from your current perspective as a human”… okay okay I get it.
And my mother continued “Besides our visit is about WHAT we need to talk with you about not try to explain The Next”, as they referred to it, again.
They closed ranks on me outside pulling up the chairs together till we were sitting in a triangle and both reached out and grabbed one of my hands lovingly like…well, my mothers.
I was gently told that this part of my timeline was about to change dramatically and I knew immediately their meaning.
Just 6 hours earlier, I’d been informed that this growth on my neck was absolutely cancer— had 9 new flesh biopsies and 3 needle biopsies taken and made an appointment for 1 week to follow-up with PET scans and other labs having been run to determine SPECIFICALLY what type of cancer and discuss the options from there. But yes, the doctor was absolutely certain this was a cancerous growth on my right tonsil that had spread to my vocal chords and it might be “just bad” or “very very bad.
Just bad meant some attribution to HPV virus and would require chemo or radiation OR both of course. HPV caused mouth cancers respond very well to chemo/radiation cocktail and it should shrink and go away.
Really really bad meaning it was a bigger deeper mass once they had gotten into the surgical removal of the mass— with the potential for a relatively large portion of deep mouth, tonsil, event potentially neck musculature and maybe vocal chord removed.
We had talked, I’d told him I was a doctor’s kid with vast knowledge of medicine and procedures through my affiliation with UT Medical Center…yada yada and a request that he just lay it on the line and be forthright.
He was doing exactly as I asked. It is possible that the surgery could be disfiguring and I might have to have one of those electronic vocal synthesizers to speak through a stoma, EGAD. As yet “To be determined”. One week would reveal it all.
I told them of all this and they said “we know son— and one week from now you are going to learn that this the beginning of the preparation for The Next.” They hugged me and told me it was gonna be alright— “actually amazing, you’ll see” and I knew it would be…a new adventure awaits
Then momma Wannie pulled me closer and said that their real deep concern was for my loving wife. That thought was immediate to my mind and concern as well…”Dear God, how am i going to tell Leslie?”
She has also been through some harrowing experiences in her life and because of those her pathology was one of fretting, excessive over-thinking, deeply disturbing worry and a sense of “really? REALLY? WTF? REALLY GOD???” I likened it to a bit of a Piglet/Chicken Little “the sky is falling, just like I expected it to? I just knew it” expectations.
She had experienced trauma in the form of her father dying, a dog attack to her face, scoliosis, her husband Fuzzy passing away, Jack being attached….yada yada— I felt like I was just going to be heaping on to her continued trauma.
Wannie said “Mark, Mr. Marion ( Laura calls me) you are going to need help, you need Laura to come down so Leslie can be told with her sister by her. I know you will be there but this is going to require Laura’s help son, You KNOW how this is going to hit her— she’ll probably be shocked, crying then get mad, then isolate refusing to discuss this with you— SHE WILL NEED LAURA to help her process. Get her down here— even if you have to pay for it. I know you dearly love Leslie and want what is best for her— SHE WILL NEED LAURA honey!”
My mother nodding knowingly, clearly having discussed this thoroughly with Wannie— I KNEW IT TOO!
Laura was “maybe” coming down soon, I really need my sister! I REALLY NEED YOU LAURA! LESLIE NEEDS YOU.
The nagging question still at the forefront of my mind was HOW DO I TELL LESLIE??? God, give me the wisdom, loving words and ability to impart to her Your Peace in these coming times.
My mother leaned in closer to me and said “by the way, your thoughts on what The Next will be like are surprisingly true in the theoretical sense— as best the human mind can imagine perhaps. There is a great deal of “heavenly” pride in your ability to sense, perceive and communicate loving hopes to others. I’ve been told to tell you ‘Well done, good and faithful servant’.”
A Cheshire smile grew across my face— I’d wanted for my time on Earth to have been productive, fruitful and empowering,,,a reflection of whom I felt I was created to be. I’d SO WANTED TO BE TOLD EXACTLY THAT.
Thinking back to my doctor’s appointment earlier, Doc had said so you put on your history that you’d smoked tobacco and weed for the better part of 38 years? I said yes and he replied “Well that was stupid.” I followed with “Yeah really who would have thought that 38 years of smoking would have a cumulative impact on me? He shook his head and grinned…”Um, pretty much everyone.”
He added though that I could belay the guilt and personal loathing of my foolishness in that “this cancerous lesion is almost certainly NOT from my years smoking actually.” HPV or infection or??? Again, one little week will tell the tale.
SO….I have cancer. Type? TBD Prognosis? TBD Impact on Leslie? TBD… BUT I’M AT PERSONAL PEACE GRATEFULLY!
I do not know what is ahead but I cannot and WILL NOT consider that all my life experience and knowledge or at least unique perspective on my journey will be in vain and END! POOF! That would be the exact opposite of being creative. Not my God.
Like Hawking radiation relative to a Black Hole— information created NEVER CEASES TO EXIST… even when consumed by a black hole, seeping Hawking radiation from the edge of the event horizon accounts for the continuing existence of that information. So while a black hole might gravitationally swallow light and matter…It cannot delete or end information. What I might call the Cosmic collective — which might be our next domain even. Who knows— Well, what human knows?
I may only be a creation BUT my unique perspective through the many and various talents provided by God allow me an individual accumulation of that information— to think that my Creator would simply “snuff out” or discard the energy that He created in me is non-sensical and preposterous. Destructor vs. Creator?? Creator—I FULLY BELIEVE IN “THE NEXT”.
I pray that these words have added something to your thoughts and being. You are loved…I LOVE YOU. Moreover, the depth to which you are cherished and loved is beyond your wildest hopes or imagining. REJOICE!!!
As Jimmy Buffett says at the beginning “Banana Wind” one of his instrumentals on the album of the same name…”see you at the end!” INDEED!
Tah Tah for Now…TTFN! More to follow as I learn details and prognosis. Peace! HIS PEACE dwell within you!
