The Search: Recovering
by Marion G. Freeman
I strolled through this life, seeking fun and love and being thrilled at making memories and the fascination of new discovery— no matter what form it might take.
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Addiction drifted over the grass, through the dark leaves of the trees, rode the wind…as it has for centuries, haunting.
It was searching for souls to feed upon-- it cared not “who” you were...male or female, rich or poor, educated or not, timid or confident, downtrodden or well-to-do, white or black-- it was and has always been an equal opportunity devourer.
It is a present (and oh so patient) darkness perched in wait.
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Suddenly an abrupt, deep rumble intruded on my being.
“I have been here a long time,” Addiction said to me. “And I am still here. What are YOU doing here?”
Pondering deeply, I had no answer.
“Surely you know I OWN YOU,” it said, “You cannot possibly think you have the slightest right to ANY of the grace and beauty of this world. How preposterous you even think that you should.”
“Who is it that you seek? HOW DARE YOU look for another but me.”
“Who do you think you are?”
In truth I did not know myself even, so again I had no answer.
I thought I was many things:
an artist (“thief!” echoed in my head);
a musician (“imposter”);
a creative (“you are nothing but a destroyer!”);
a DECENT guy (“ADDICT, ADDICT, ADDICT!”).
Which of these were projections of my true self; which were merely masks?
I have only glimpses of an answer.
AND SO…I search.
(written roughly in November 2011, attending a recovery treatment facility)
FIRST-- Everything I really like...I throw myself into FULLY. AND I MEAN FULLY!
It is part of my compulsive being...It is also the makings of an addict. Quite truthfully I am an addict for ice cream, music. drumming, singing, loving, smiling...and unfortunately I'm adventurous which means I have experimented with lots of dangerous things: water skiing, snow skiing, repelling, caving, jumping off tall things into water-- and alas MIND ALTERING things.
It is said that the same part of the brain that leads some to bungee jump is the same part that led me to try marijuana...and a pill or two...and LSD...and cocaine.
I am an addict-- I will DIE an ADDICT. BUT I will NOT DIE a practicing one. Many in "rooms" I've heard say "I am a RECOVERED addict." In all sincerity I do not believe that is the case. I live the rest of my life as a RECOVERING addict. It only takes one wrong turn, one overly confident "I've beaten this" foolish decision to be "off the wagon." It is simply on day at a time...every day from here on out.
A clarification, I use the word "addict" as a catch-all for ANYTHING that consumes your mind...if you are an alcoholic-- to me you are an addict to alcohol. Frankly if you are unable to live without working out, cheating on your spouse, lying, watching porn, abusing your loved one....in my opinion you are an ADDICT. You may not be a DRUG addict but you are an addict.
The following is just thoughts I have on addiction for those who might need it-- whether you are the addict or a family member of an addict...give this some thought if you so desire.
Some words on addiction:
I've had 3 different friends reach out to me this weekend...just needed to talk. Each is struggling with addiction...particularly with alcohol but the "substance" is really irrelevant.
I retell my revelation in hopes that it gives someone a lens on the struggle...
When we flipped that switch that birthed our addiction...it was a cavalier thing. A happenstance...just having fun...getting “crazy”.
Sadly for those of us who have fought this battle-- it came without warning or the realization that turning that switch off would be a lifelong struggle.
You see the switch "off" is at the top of the highest peak we have ever encountered-- the climb exceptionally hard...and we must start this venture often at the lowest points in our self-esteem and well-being.
To arm ourselves for this challenge, we have attended meetings and sought professional intervention-- some of the tools necessary for the task. While beneficial, they are also very heavy and we add to those burdens our own self-loathing and feelings of hopelessness... making even the start very difficult!
We start and slip and fall back-- further unleashing our own doubts and anger toward ourselves-- FIRST OFF....STOP beating yourself up.
Realize that the bumps in our journey are the footholds we are able to cling to to stop the slide back into despair...cut yourself some slack.
Gratefully recognize it is just THOSE BUMPS upon which we climb.
This task we set upon is perhaps the most difficult challenge we may ever face.
Dust yourself off and begin again. (And again and again AND AGAIN)
Wrap your tools tightly to you-- remember to USE THEM, bring some friends along to help you stand strong...the journey up is so very very hard! You will need the help!
Ask for help without fear of judgement-- those who judge have never walked in our shoes. Do not look for sympathy there...it serves no purpose to our goal...our baggage is heavy enough as it is.
Know that THERE IS A BETTER LIFE AHEAD and it is worth striving for.
You WILL NOT achieve the goal tomorrow...you can only walk toward it. That’s why the adage in "the rooms" is ONE DAY AT A TIME. All you can do in the NEXT RIGHT THING...FOR TODAY.
By stringing together day after day of JUST FOR TODAYS you can distance yourself from the bottom...and perhaps you can be one of the fortunate ones who can look back at the valley we once existed in from a perspective that allows you to see how much better things have become.
Many of our fellows did not get this chance...you do. Be grateful!
Count your blessings… Stand up firm and walk on. Be proud of your progress...knowing that many hold you fast in our prayers.
You are not today what you will be...but you are on that road! Godspeed!
You are not alone. Seek that higher power stronger than the former power you once let take control...it exists.
YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN! Believe! Make it so.
